Monday, August 23, 2004
is growing up closing to mainstream?
The process of writing is an interesting one for me (and hope it's also interesting for you :) (should I add a "too" here? or is "also" sufficient to give that meaning? please help me in the comments.) (Actually, I am so pathetically afraid of not being read that I myself will have a discussion in the comments section, so that people who read it will think that I have a huge reader group). (And what now? now that I said this out loud (wrote it loud :) it doesn't mean anything, I must say that I kinda feel exposed, I know that I vitally care about being read, but I also know that the main reason that I am writing this blog is the pleasure that I get when I read it (wow! yeah baby! I am the main reason!) and this is also a way to express myself, this is a way to satisfy the need of expressing myself, because I usually don't in public. Now that I think of it, this might be a reason why some people over the net know me better. And that's also why close friends are important to me.
Again, this blog has gone to places I never thought of, and also, I lost track of the parantheses :) anyway,
This always what happens when I write, I start somewhere and end up with ideas that I always had in my mind but never intended to write. For example, I rate this blog highly dangerous, because it really tells about what goes in my head, and as I mentioned above, I really am not used to such vulnerability, and right now seriously considering of not posting it, just saving as a draft, but I also know that I will post it. Why? (do you really care? :) I am also asking myself if I ventured enough into myself to lose your interest, see above the section where I am talking about my need to be read.) Why? Because I am changing, that is why.
It is interesting to be aware that you're changing. I think part of the process is generated by yourself, and the rest comes with the environment. A few years ago, I would never have posted something like this, (you know, I'm actually stuck here, I don't know how to end this sentence. I also wonder, when you are reading, do you notice when I'm stuck? and when it's flowing, when every word is coming like attached spaghettis, can you realize the difference? Some are fully formed in my head, and others are melt together here, are they all the same to you? Yes, answers in the comments section please :) and I still have to finish the sentence, I was hoping you were lost, but you're not) (who am I kidding, I was hoping you were reading with full concentration, with people calling you and you answering "no I can't pay attention to you right now, it's too important", "shut up, I try read here!" or "no honey I can't come to bed, I have found the meaning of my life". Ok, but this was only half-joke, nobody would bother if he didn't thought he would be read, period. Taking from where I left:) but all the contact with new people, in the internship, in the courses that I took has managed to turn me into a more open person, and I think this is what they call growing up.
I wonder, is growing up closing to mainstream? Is it a journey from heavy metal to soul?
As I was writing, another dilemma came to my mind, I want to be read (yes, I know I already mentionned this more than enough, sorry) but also, what I am writing is highly personal, so I am not telling about this blog to huge masses :) Already, people that I never met know stuff about me, and even though this is very surprising and at the same time pleasing for me, it is also very disturbing.
So, to sum up for those going directly to the end, these days, these years, life is about to change, get better, even here, in the bay of mild disinterest.
Again, this blog has gone to places I never thought of, and also, I lost track of the parantheses :) anyway,
This always what happens when I write, I start somewhere and end up with ideas that I always had in my mind but never intended to write. For example, I rate this blog highly dangerous, because it really tells about what goes in my head, and as I mentioned above, I really am not used to such vulnerability, and right now seriously considering of not posting it, just saving as a draft, but I also know that I will post it. Why? (do you really care? :) I am also asking myself if I ventured enough into myself to lose your interest, see above the section where I am talking about my need to be read.) Why? Because I am changing, that is why.
It is interesting to be aware that you're changing. I think part of the process is generated by yourself, and the rest comes with the environment. A few years ago, I would never have posted something like this, (you know, I'm actually stuck here, I don't know how to end this sentence. I also wonder, when you are reading, do you notice when I'm stuck? and when it's flowing, when every word is coming like attached spaghettis, can you realize the difference? Some are fully formed in my head, and others are melt together here, are they all the same to you? Yes, answers in the comments section please :) and I still have to finish the sentence, I was hoping you were lost, but you're not) (who am I kidding, I was hoping you were reading with full concentration, with people calling you and you answering "no I can't pay attention to you right now, it's too important", "shut up, I try read here!" or "no honey I can't come to bed, I have found the meaning of my life". Ok, but this was only half-joke, nobody would bother if he didn't thought he would be read, period. Taking from where I left:) but all the contact with new people, in the internship, in the courses that I took has managed to turn me into a more open person, and I think this is what they call growing up.
I wonder, is growing up closing to mainstream? Is it a journey from heavy metal to soul?
As I was writing, another dilemma came to my mind, I want to be read (yes, I know I already mentionned this more than enough, sorry) but also, what I am writing is highly personal, so I am not telling about this blog to huge masses :) Already, people that I never met know stuff about me, and even though this is very surprising and at the same time pleasing for me, it is also very disturbing.
So, to sum up for those going directly to the end, these days, these years, life is about to change, get better, even here, in the bay of mild disinterest.
Friday, August 06, 2004
A blog about life, death and everything in between
Wow, and after the title, you'd expect a long blog. This is from an Emir Kusturica movie, White Cat and Black Cat, 45 minutes of laugh after 45 minutes of sleep :)
As I said, I am reading Ursula LeGuin's Earthsea Trilogy again, and I managed to understand bits of the third book, The Farthest Shore. The main plot is simple, a wizard has finally found a way to come back to life after death, and he is exchanging his gift of eternal life, with theirs, whatever it may be, painting, singing, magic; just anything. After the deal, they know how to come back from the land of the dead, and hold absolutely no interest for the life.
One of the most interesting points of the setting is also the wall between the land of the dead and the living. The dead can't cross the wall (obviously) and from the livings, only the mages can go past it.
What I am thinking, after reading the books, is that not only the dead are held by the wall, but also the living. The wall, to my great surprise (I had problems with the symbols), is not simply a wall, but also symbolises our fear of death, being the only obstacle between us, the healty, needy, happy, ambitious livings, and the state of being nothing. Aunt Ursula, by slowly attacking the wall in every books, tells us that we will eventually die (well that's not something new :) and we should accept it. When we understand that our time is not endless and when our lives are not ruled by the fear of death, only then we are truly free.
I know what you're thinking. (Actually, I hardly know what I am thinking, but anyway, let's keep going) I said that we will eventually die and that it's not something new, but is it really not? I mean, we know that we will die, yes, but we know it in an intellectual sense of dying, we don't even really consider it, we say "yes I know someday I'll die" but we rarely feel it, maybe only after a life threathing experience, and it's effects are rarely what it must be. The most meaningful experience in our lives, and we give to it less thought than a book, movie, or a blog.
You will die. Can you imagine?
Ursula LeGuin has a proposition. She says that, in order to be truly free, lead our lives fully, we have to be aware that we will die. It is widely known that, our biggest flaw as humans is that we understand something's value after it's lost. Well, this time, there is no second chance, enjoy.
How do you think your death will be like?
Thinking about our deaths is not an easy thing. What matters is that we should be aware of it, that's all. We always knew that we would die, but we have to feel it. Feel it deep in our guts, if that's what's necessary. Feel it, accept it, use it as a driving force in our lives. And that would probably make Aunt Ursula happy :)
The blog ends here, but I feel like I should admit many things, most of the above are nothing but what I've thought after reading The Earthsea Trilogy, so they're mostly the echo of the author's books. I really enjoyed them, especially when I thought I understood them, but this place is not named "the mild bay of disinterest" without a good reason, and it is that I am never ever really moved by anything of this kind, at least not for a long time. If we lived as long as we thought, I would live eternally :)
As I said, I am reading Ursula LeGuin's Earthsea Trilogy again, and I managed to understand bits of the third book, The Farthest Shore. The main plot is simple, a wizard has finally found a way to come back to life after death, and he is exchanging his gift of eternal life, with theirs, whatever it may be, painting, singing, magic; just anything. After the deal, they know how to come back from the land of the dead, and hold absolutely no interest for the life.
One of the most interesting points of the setting is also the wall between the land of the dead and the living. The dead can't cross the wall (obviously) and from the livings, only the mages can go past it.
What I am thinking, after reading the books, is that not only the dead are held by the wall, but also the living. The wall, to my great surprise (I had problems with the symbols), is not simply a wall, but also symbolises our fear of death, being the only obstacle between us, the healty, needy, happy, ambitious livings, and the state of being nothing. Aunt Ursula, by slowly attacking the wall in every books, tells us that we will eventually die (well that's not something new :) and we should accept it. When we understand that our time is not endless and when our lives are not ruled by the fear of death, only then we are truly free.
I know what you're thinking. (Actually, I hardly know what I am thinking, but anyway, let's keep going) I said that we will eventually die and that it's not something new, but is it really not? I mean, we know that we will die, yes, but we know it in an intellectual sense of dying, we don't even really consider it, we say "yes I know someday I'll die" but we rarely feel it, maybe only after a life threathing experience, and it's effects are rarely what it must be. The most meaningful experience in our lives, and we give to it less thought than a book, movie, or a blog.
You will die. Can you imagine?
Ursula LeGuin has a proposition. She says that, in order to be truly free, lead our lives fully, we have to be aware that we will die. It is widely known that, our biggest flaw as humans is that we understand something's value after it's lost. Well, this time, there is no second chance, enjoy.
How do you think your death will be like?
Thinking about our deaths is not an easy thing. What matters is that we should be aware of it, that's all. We always knew that we would die, but we have to feel it. Feel it deep in our guts, if that's what's necessary. Feel it, accept it, use it as a driving force in our lives. And that would probably make Aunt Ursula happy :)
The blog ends here, but I feel like I should admit many things, most of the above are nothing but what I've thought after reading The Earthsea Trilogy, so they're mostly the echo of the author's books. I really enjoyed them, especially when I thought I understood them, but this place is not named "the mild bay of disinterest" without a good reason, and it is that I am never ever really moved by anything of this kind, at least not for a long time. If we lived as long as we thought, I would live eternally :)
