the mild bay of disinterest

I sometimes think that the urge inside me to make everything good - "comme il faut" refrains me to do a lot of stuff. I can't say if it's good or bad, but I can easily recall many occasions where I didn't even start something because I very probably wouldn't be able to pull it off decently. I guess that explains why I spent more than 16k entries on an instant-comment site rather than working on a complex story, yes, because it was easier.

It's been a while I've been thinking about growing old and getting closer to death, but I never managed to get myself write about it, which is funny of course because the more you think about death, the more you want to do stuff :) Yet I seem immune to it for now, maybe because I think I'll live forever. Ok, I know that I wont live forever, but I dont feel it (love those italics). Also, it might be in our nature to think that way, because if you feel like in 40 -50 years from now you have a 50% chance to you'll be either already decaying, or probably suffering from one or two disease, you won't be much cheerful.

Every person out of three will have cancer sometime in his/her life. How lucky you are? Is it really possible that you can tell yourself "hey I probably will have it" and then go out have a drink? Denial is your closest weapon here, whether you like it or not.

Sometimes, when I see people over a certain age and living in their houses, living alone and able to take care of themselves, I want to congratulate them because they managed to lead a healthwise decent life for 50 - 60 years, and thats something most people didn't even had the chance to/haven't been able to. Applaud those people, who still own their lives. Even in United States, population age 75 or over is only 6%. Again, how lucky you are?

Is the question really live longer? Do you have a life span goal? Who wants to live forever?, yes, but then who wouldn't?

I think I need more time to arrange my thoughts. However I will post this to get some of the dust off the blog.