Wednesday, December 29, 2004
long time no see
Yes, it has really been a long time, but that's not what the title is about. And the long delay should be accepted as normal and tolerated, because I've already talked about my inability to keep up a steady pace, in addition, I have much less free time since I'm no longer an intern.
Recently, I've remarked that when I speak with my friends that I haven't seen for a long while, I never really have much to tell about me. Thank God, they can all do all the talking. It may be because I'm not much of a talker about serious things (i.e: future, university, work.) nor myself, or maybe I don't really have much to say anyway.
Five of the biggest changes in my life in the last six months, randomly listed:
1) I've completed my internship. I am officially a proactive member of the society.
2) I have my student card and applied for my library card. I am (in the way of) becoming a decent student. I also hang around the "campus" more often, but that's not exactly about school. Still, I show up there and that's already an improvement (I wrote "campus" because it's not really that big, "camp" would be just fine). (that was a joke) (a bad one).
3) My girlfriend has knitted me a scarf. We are together for more than six months, we're happy.
4) I got a new computer. (read: boring boring boring, for you at least)
5) I've been to Paris, I bought two pairs of boxers. (Yes they were sold in pairs, no I have no idea why, maybe we must wear them 2 at a time? never thought of that before).
Decent changes of the people around me:
1) I am no longer a student/I will no longer be a student this summer.
2) Business (i.e: "should I go to Chicago or NY? I will only have 1000$/week to spend" or "I have been working for 3 days a week").
3) MILITARY SERVICE! Take cover!
- Three is more than enough for me -
I, quite often, question myself about the reasons of my unchanging nature. Some "excuses" that I've found are:
1) I actually change. (Oh come on!)
2) I am happy the way I am. (Eaah, that's true, yes, but it's also real weak as an argument, I mean happines is a temporary state of being, it's not a reason to remain always the same.)
3) I change, I just do what I do better. (That's the one I like the most, maybe because it sounds like a Wolverine imitation but it's only a part of the problem, not of the solution)
I have many changes that counts for me, but none of them are visible or interesting for anybody other than me or a specialist of these subjects, i.e. computer geek or comic geek. I could say that I had written a program in java that helps me record the amount of money that I spent, or I have completed all the Daredevil vol. 3 from 36 to 66 (by the way, #65 is the 25th anniversary of the Man Without Fear), or Green Lantern from 158 to 181 (which is the end of the series) but they are neither interesting for many people nor accepted (by them and even by myself) as real changes. Yep, they're not good enough.
There is one truth here, I am too lazy and/or too undisciplined to make any real changes. It's always easier to keep on going with your life as it is, especially when you're happy with it, and that is why I always take the easy road, so hail to the sense of not unfullfillment! (it's even hard to write, fill, fullfill, unfullfillment? maybe.)
Things I could have done which would have made my life better:
1) work as a private teacher, earn money, spend it on japanese courses, fitness. At least study japanese on my own. It's not that difficult, half of the people I know do it.
2) write more to sinemadefteri, merit the responsability that has been given to me.
3) mail to an editor who's looking for someone to work in the comics field.
4) write more. (plain and simple, isn't it? write more code also)
5) study more. Really.
I know that I'm no superman, yet when I think about these things that nobody is forcing upon me and the improvement my life would have were I to spend more time on them, (I also ask myself if anybody understands a word that I am saying? but it's more for me than for you) and I really get sad and a bit angry. But these feelings aren't strong to put me in action, so that's the circle I'm in.
I know you're saying "oh poor bastard, is this your big problem? just shut up and get on with your life!". Well, I'm not crying over it every night, I am writing it here only to clear my thoughts and to be able to read this afterwards. You really aren't important in this, sorry to say it so abruplty, but that's the truth and someone has to say it. Yep, I'm a hero now.
Recently, I've remarked that when I speak with my friends that I haven't seen for a long while, I never really have much to tell about me. Thank God, they can all do all the talking. It may be because I'm not much of a talker about serious things (i.e: future, university, work.) nor myself, or maybe I don't really have much to say anyway.
Five of the biggest changes in my life in the last six months, randomly listed:
1) I've completed my internship. I am officially a proactive member of the society.
2) I have my student card and applied for my library card. I am (in the way of) becoming a decent student. I also hang around the "campus" more often, but that's not exactly about school. Still, I show up there and that's already an improvement (I wrote "campus" because it's not really that big, "camp" would be just fine). (that was a joke) (a bad one).
3) My girlfriend has knitted me a scarf. We are together for more than six months, we're happy.
4) I got a new computer. (read: boring boring boring, for you at least)
5) I've been to Paris, I bought two pairs of boxers. (Yes they were sold in pairs, no I have no idea why, maybe we must wear them 2 at a time? never thought of that before).
Decent changes of the people around me:
1) I am no longer a student/I will no longer be a student this summer.
2) Business (i.e: "should I go to Chicago or NY? I will only have 1000$/week to spend" or "I have been working for 3 days a week").
3) MILITARY SERVICE! Take cover!
- Three is more than enough for me -
I, quite often, question myself about the reasons of my unchanging nature. Some "excuses" that I've found are:
1) I actually change. (Oh come on!)
2) I am happy the way I am. (Eaah, that's true, yes, but it's also real weak as an argument, I mean happines is a temporary state of being, it's not a reason to remain always the same.)
3) I change, I just do what I do better. (That's the one I like the most, maybe because it sounds like a Wolverine imitation but it's only a part of the problem, not of the solution)
I have many changes that counts for me, but none of them are visible or interesting for anybody other than me or a specialist of these subjects, i.e. computer geek or comic geek. I could say that I had written a program in java that helps me record the amount of money that I spent, or I have completed all the Daredevil vol. 3 from 36 to 66 (by the way, #65 is the 25th anniversary of the Man Without Fear), or Green Lantern from 158 to 181 (which is the end of the series) but they are neither interesting for many people nor accepted (by them and even by myself) as real changes. Yep, they're not good enough.
There is one truth here, I am too lazy and/or too undisciplined to make any real changes. It's always easier to keep on going with your life as it is, especially when you're happy with it, and that is why I always take the easy road, so hail to the sense of not unfullfillment! (it's even hard to write, fill, fullfill, unfullfillment? maybe.)
Things I could have done which would have made my life better:
1) work as a private teacher, earn money, spend it on japanese courses, fitness. At least study japanese on my own. It's not that difficult, half of the people I know do it.
2) write more to sinemadefteri, merit the responsability that has been given to me.
3) mail to an editor who's looking for someone to work in the comics field.
4) write more. (plain and simple, isn't it? write more code also)
5) study more. Really.
I know that I'm no superman, yet when I think about these things that nobody is forcing upon me and the improvement my life would have were I to spend more time on them, (I also ask myself if anybody understands a word that I am saying? but it's more for me than for you) and I really get sad and a bit angry. But these feelings aren't strong to put me in action, so that's the circle I'm in.
I know you're saying "oh poor bastard, is this your big problem? just shut up and get on with your life!". Well, I'm not crying over it every night, I am writing it here only to clear my thoughts and to be able to read this afterwards. You really aren't important in this, sorry to say it so abruplty, but that's the truth and someone has to say it. Yep, I'm a hero now.
# posted by darcy @ 1:24 AM 
