the mild bay of disinterest

as I found the latest Hooverphonic album somewhere in my computer **cough**illegal**cough**, I made a playlist and started to go through it. Just as "Tomorrow" was playing, I suddenly remembered when they came to my university to give a concert last summer.
it was one of my happy days. My days are usually good, thanks to whomever is responsible for that :) but that day was exceptionally good. First, I was going to meet with a very close friend, but then I got lazy to go out, so he came home, slightly drunk and brought to me 9 seasons of Friends in dvd. So we kept on drinking, I got having great fun and he got greatly drunk, then another friend came to pick us up and we went to my school, where I met with my girlfriend. I have to say that having her around multiplies the fun I'm having, so my day got even better. Meanwhile my other friends met up with their friends (our mutual friends), we got something to eat and we came back to school for the concert.
(2006)

Almost a decade after, I still remember the concert vividly, how the playlist composed of my favourite songs, how the singer Geike Amaert was shy on the stage even though she gave an excellent performance and above all, how I had many friends around me and how beautiful was my girlfriend and the way we hugged each other, happy in the knowledge that we loved each other and maybe had happy years ahead of us (and maybe the fact that we were going the spend the night together helped as well - us naughty younglings!).

One wonders, how many of these days would make a life well lived? Fulfilled? Worth it so that when the day comes, I can gather my family and friends around my bed and give them thanks for giving me all these memories, tell them it's time for me to go, but that they need not to mourn me but remember will all my happy days? Did someone in the history of humanity ever reach that point? Or are we destined to always want more? And if so, is that a even bad thing?

Well, as the great philosopher Raistlin Majere said, what we have to do is throw the carrot in front of us and keep on trying to catch it :)
(2014)

Today I stopped and smelled roses... nope, I just noticed how this blog is yelling out "you gonna die!" like some texas chainsaw massacre evil stunt :)

are there evil stunts at that movie? haven't seen it to be honest.

It's now exactly two days after I decided to post something everyday. I was hoping to keep up this routine for at least a week (I would've loved if it had gone longer, but I said to myself "dude you cant do it for a really long time" (yes I call myself "dude")), turns out, I cant even start it on time.

Today, we took our cat to the vet. Seeing him on the table made me think, it should be a scary experience for the cat, being put on the cold iron table, seeing many tools which you have absolutely no idea of their usage, no idea of what's being done to you (I mean what are you? a cat after all, youre not too bright :)). It's kinda like being abducted on a space ship :)

Cats belong to their pillows.

As this is the time of my finals, and these are my most important exams, and in general the final things are the most important things, i don't know why we designed the school in a such climax-starring way, but it is so; and as the noble duty of studying is upon me, i think more and more about writing here. Yet, sadly, i have to go study probability now.
I'll be back.

title: quote from "the frighteners", good movie, don't miss it. Or i'll come back for you.

Ok this blog is about something important about me: Batman vs. Superman.
My knowledge is based on some movies, and mostly on comic series.

Let's just accept that Superman is super powerful, super fast, super good; to cut the long story short, he is super-super; aand the Bat is just super cool.

A list of some diffrences:
1) Race: Superman is alien, Batman is human.
Ok, there is no discussion on this. But, Clark Kent had, and still has a much more normal life then Bruce Wayne. Bruce is surely not your average Joe, being the millionaire orphan and all, and on the other hand, Clark was just the farmboy before his superpowers manifested. So,
Childhood:
Superman: Landed on a meteor, no superpowers, farmboy, Smallville, loving family.
Batman: Born, no superpowers, millionaire, Gotham, family brutally murdered (and not by the Jocker mind you).
Adult life:
Superman: Married to a human, has a job, has a daylife, regular income, condo, crime fighting - world saving.
Batman: Very much unmarried with many dead girlfriends and a love interest with Catwoman, a very antisocial daylife, millionaire, château, crime fighting - world saving.
Old times:
Superman: Long white hair, alone hermit life, agriculture.
Batman: White hair, broken bones and metallic skeleton, crime fighting - world saving.

So, to sum up:
Childhood: Superman: normal - Batman: anormal.
Adulthood: Superman: normal secret identity - Batman: Weird millionaire secret identity.
Old days: Ok nobody is really normal here.

The point I am trying to make is, even though Superman is alienborn, he also has a quite normal (for a superhero) daylife.

2) Crime fighting - world saving:
Hmmm lemme check my collection.
Superman: "The deliberate taking of human -- even super-human -- life goes against every belief I have -- and you have. That's the one thing we always had in common. It's what made us what we are. More than anyone in the world, when you scrach everything else away from Batman, you're left with someone who doesn't want to see anybody die."

Batman is paranoid.

TBC. (that stands for To Be Continued).

Yes, it has really been a long time, but that's not what the title is about. And the long delay should be accepted as normal and tolerated, because I've already talked about my inability to keep up a steady pace, in addition, I have much less free time since I'm no longer an intern.

Recently, I've remarked that when I speak with my friends that I haven't seen for a long while, I never really have much to tell about me. Thank God, they can all do all the talking. It may be because I'm not much of a talker about serious things (i.e: future, university, work.) nor myself, or maybe I don't really have much to say anyway.

Five of the biggest changes in my life in the last six months, randomly listed:
1) I've completed my internship. I am officially a proactive member of the society.
2) I have my student card and applied for my library card. I am (in the way of) becoming a decent student. I also hang around the "campus" more often, but that's not exactly about school. Still, I show up there and that's already an improvement (I wrote "campus" because it's not really that big, "camp" would be just fine). (that was a joke) (a bad one).
3) My girlfriend has knitted me a scarf. We are together for more than six months, we're happy.
4) I got a new computer. (read: boring boring boring, for you at least)
5) I've been to Paris, I bought two pairs of boxers. (Yes they were sold in pairs, no I have no idea why, maybe we must wear them 2 at a time? never thought of that before).

Decent changes of the people around me:
1) I am no longer a student/I will no longer be a student this summer.
2) Business (i.e: "should I go to Chicago or NY? I will only have 1000$/week to spend" or "I have been working for 3 days a week").
3) MILITARY SERVICE! Take cover!
- Three is more than enough for me -

I, quite often, question myself about the reasons of my unchanging nature. Some "excuses" that I've found are:
1) I actually change. (Oh come on!)
2) I am happy the way I am. (Eaah, that's true, yes, but it's also real weak as an argument, I mean happines is a temporary state of being, it's not a reason to remain always the same.)
3) I change, I just do what I do better. (That's the one I like the most, maybe because it sounds like a Wolverine imitation but it's only a part of the problem, not of the solution)

I have many changes that counts for me, but none of them are visible or interesting for anybody other than me or a specialist of these subjects, i.e. computer geek or comic geek. I could say that I had written a program in java that helps me record the amount of money that I spent, or I have completed all the Daredevil vol. 3 from 36 to 66 (by the way, #65 is the 25th anniversary of the Man Without Fear), or Green Lantern from 158 to 181 (which is the end of the series) but they are neither interesting for many people nor accepted (by them and even by myself) as real changes. Yep, they're not good enough.

There is one truth here, I am too lazy and/or too undisciplined to make any real changes. It's always easier to keep on going with your life as it is, especially when you're happy with it, and that is why I always take the easy road, so hail to the sense of not unfullfillment! (it's even hard to write, fill, fullfill, unfullfillment? maybe.)

Things I could have done which would have made my life better:
1) work as a private teacher, earn money, spend it on japanese courses, fitness. At least study japanese on my own. It's not that difficult, half of the people I know do it.
2) write more to sinemadefteri, merit the responsability that has been given to me.
3) mail to an editor who's looking for someone to work in the comics field.
4) write more. (plain and simple, isn't it? write more code also)
5) study more. Really.

I know that I'm no superman, yet when I think about these things that nobody is forcing upon me and the improvement my life would have were I to spend more time on them, (I also ask myself if anybody understands a word that I am saying? but it's more for me than for you) and I really get sad and a bit angry. But these feelings aren't strong to put me in action, so that's the circle I'm in.

I know you're saying "oh poor bastard, is this your big problem? just shut up and get on with your life!". Well, I'm not crying over it every night, I am writing it here only to clear my thoughts and to be able to read this afterwards. You really aren't important in this, sorry to say it so abruplty, but that's the truth and someone has to say it. Yep, I'm a hero now.

This is mostly an answer to a comment to the previous blog. Firstly, here is the comment, by an anonymous reader who shouldn't get any ideas, because I know him perfectly well.

well, well.. you'll never know who reads what you write down (surprise! I am one of that anonymous reader- community. someone you don't know- and someone who hasn't got the slightest idea who you are. Beware that! big brother is watching you!now, the question is: are you happy? does it make a difference?(on the other hand I must say, we share the same concerns!)
# posted by Anonymous : 5:39 PM

well well... first of all, I didn't know I had an anonymous reader community, but I can already see thousands of people waiting anxiously my next blog :) maybe sometimes they gather around and chat: "oh do you think growing up is closing to the mainstream?" and maybe if everything goes well, at my ten thousandth blog, I will publish a tribute dvd for them :)

Yeah, sometimes I like joking like this, (my keyboard will be auctionned at Sotheby's, starting from 1000£ :) And also, I wouldn't call that exactly "Big Brother watching me", it's more like, me, waving at the Big Brother with a big sign in my hands saying "hey, here I am" (ok, let's not exaggerate, this blog would just be a small sign, but I am sure Big Brother wouldn't have any difficulties reading it :)

And to answer the main question, yes, I am happy, I am and have been happy most of my life, that is part because I am lucky now and I had a lucky life without any major problem, so I don't see any reason to be unhappy, and also, because I am one of the happy people. See, we (happy people) (yes I know it sounds like a Marilyn Manson song, but they were beatiful, not happy. Anyway) we happy people are the ones that lead a happy existence, and as a result we are quite still. As we are generally content of what we have, we are happy and therefore lack the motivaton to change anything in our lives. It would be like Polyanna shouting out loud "what a shithole I am living in!" and moving to a castle in Scotland. No, Polyanna would never say that, and therefore never do that. (did you notice that I like saying therefore? Indeed I do :)

Of course, as we are not full time Polyannas yet, there are times in our lives when we say "that's enough" and probably move to Tahiti to live with native ladies in a tropical climate never ever worrying about money and social status, eating exotic fruits from trees and sleeping on the beach, but even this takes a huge amount of energy, doubt; and the motivation needed to overcome these takes a very, very, very long time of gathering (did you knew that I never, ever, left any of my girlfriends? (Of course you didn't, and if you did, I will simply be just very,very paranoid) All the endings were their choices, although one time we can say it was a mutual decision, but even then, I wasn't the one who brought it up. Oh, and my ego adds that, in my defence, after the break-ups I managed to never call them, never asked to pick up from where we left, (some did) (no I'm not talking about you) (yes I really don't know who reads this :) although now I think that the reason I never called them is that, the call itself would be a decision, a change in my life, and I was happy with the way it was. (I do hope I made myself clear here, if any question arises, you may ask me in the comments, but I really doubt you would bother with that, I know I wouldn't :)

I always thought that, being naturally a happy, depression free person brings with itself some inactivity, for example, we assume that the koalas, or the sloths are happy animals, not the lions, or the fish (although the fish should be happy, since they know everything). And now that I think of it, I wonder, which animal would be the career following type? Maybe the monkey, as they evaluated to the human form. And the dilemma is here, since the evolving type is the monkey, but the happy type is the sloth, so we can assume that career and worldy values have nothing to do with happiness, and we would be wrong.

The one thing that the happy type of person should pay attention is this: How much is he really happy, and which parts of this happiness is self-deceit? If he/she doesn't want to end up in some place where even he can't see himself as happy, he should check every once in a while (how do we write this? maybe "everyonce in a while") if his happiness is real. But then, "self conciousness is a terrible curse" I've read from some friend, and she is right, how can we be really happy while we're always checking ourselves? Can we enjoy anything if we go like "oh do I really enjoy this?"

It is hard to keep the happiness, but, happy people, learn to relax, let go. Really, we all need this.

The process of writing is an interesting one for me (and hope it's also interesting for you :) (should I add a "too" here? or is "also" sufficient to give that meaning? please help me in the comments.) (Actually, I am so pathetically afraid of not being read that I myself will have a discussion in the comments section, so that people who read it will think that I have a huge reader group). (And what now? now that I said this out loud (wrote it loud :) it doesn't mean anything, I must say that I kinda feel exposed, I know that I vitally care about being read, but I also know that the main reason that I am writing this blog is the pleasure that I get when I read it (wow! yeah baby! I am the main reason!) and this is also a way to express myself, this is a way to satisfy the need of expressing myself, because I usually don't in public. Now that I think of it, this might be a reason why some people over the net know me better. And that's also why close friends are important to me.

Again, this blog has gone to places I never thought of, and also, I lost track of the parantheses :) anyway,

This always what happens when I write, I start somewhere and end up with ideas that I always had in my mind but never intended to write. For example, I rate this blog highly dangerous, because it really tells about what goes in my head, and as I mentioned above, I really am not used to such vulnerability, and right now seriously considering of not posting it, just saving as a draft, but I also know that I will post it. Why? (do you really care? :) I am also asking myself if I ventured enough into myself to lose your interest, see above the section where I am talking about my need to be read.) Why? Because I am changing, that is why.

It is interesting to be aware that you're changing. I think part of the process is generated by yourself, and the rest comes with the environment. A few years ago, I would never have posted something like this, (you know, I'm actually stuck here, I don't know how to end this sentence. I also wonder, when you are reading, do you notice when I'm stuck? and when it's flowing, when every word is coming like attached spaghettis, can you realize the difference? Some are fully formed in my head, and others are melt together here, are they all the same to you? Yes, answers in the comments section please :) and I still have to finish the sentence, I was hoping you were lost, but you're not) (who am I kidding, I was hoping you were reading with full concentration, with people calling you and you answering "no I can't pay attention to you right now, it's too important", "shut up, I try read here!" or "no honey I can't come to bed, I have found the meaning of my life". Ok, but this was only half-joke, nobody would bother if he didn't thought he would be read, period. Taking from where I left:) but all the contact with new people, in the internship, in the courses that I took has managed to turn me into a more open person, and I think this is what they call growing up.

I wonder, is growing up closing to mainstream? Is it a journey from heavy metal to soul?

As I was writing, another dilemma came to my mind, I want to be read (yes, I know I already mentionned this more than enough, sorry) but also, what I am writing is highly personal, so I am not telling about this blog to huge masses :) Already, people that I never met know stuff about me, and even though this is very surprising and at the same time pleasing for me, it is also very disturbing.

So, to sum up for those going directly to the end, these days, these years, life is about to change, get better, even here, in the bay of mild disinterest.

Wow, and after the title, you'd expect a long blog. This is from an Emir Kusturica movie, White Cat and Black Cat, 45 minutes of laugh after 45 minutes of sleep :)

As I said, I am reading Ursula LeGuin's Earthsea Trilogy again, and I managed to understand bits of the third book, The Farthest Shore. The main plot is simple, a wizard has finally found a way to come back to life after death, and he is exchanging his gift of eternal life, with theirs, whatever it may be, painting, singing, magic; just anything. After the deal, they know how to come back from the land of the dead, and hold absolutely no interest for the life.

One of the most interesting points of the setting is also the wall between the land of the dead and the living. The dead can't cross the wall (obviously) and from the livings, only the mages can go past it.

What I am thinking, after reading the books, is that not only the dead are held by the wall, but also the living. The wall, to my great surprise (I had problems with the symbols), is not simply a wall, but also symbolises our fear of death, being the only obstacle between us, the healty, needy, happy, ambitious livings, and the state of being nothing. Aunt Ursula, by slowly attacking the wall in every books, tells us that we will eventually die (well that's not something new :) and we should accept it. When we understand that our time is not endless and when our lives are not ruled by the fear of death, only then we are truly free.

I know what you're thinking. (Actually, I hardly know what I am thinking, but anyway, let's keep going) I said that we will eventually die and that it's not something new, but is it really not? I mean, we know that we will die, yes, but we know it in an intellectual sense of dying, we don't even really consider it, we say "yes I know someday I'll die" but we rarely feel it, maybe only after a life threathing experience, and it's effects are rarely what it must be. The most meaningful experience in our lives, and we give to it less thought than a book, movie, or a blog.

You will die. Can you imagine?

Ursula LeGuin has a proposition. She says that, in order to be truly free, lead our lives fully, we have to be aware that we will die. It is widely known that, our biggest flaw as humans is that we understand something's value after it's lost. Well, this time, there is no second chance, enjoy.

How do you think your death will be like?

Thinking about our deaths is not an easy thing. What matters is that we should be aware of it, that's all. We always knew that we would die, but we have to feel it. Feel it deep in our guts, if that's what's necessary. Feel it, accept it, use it as a driving force in our lives. And that would probably make Aunt Ursula happy :)

The blog ends here, but I feel like I should admit many things, most of the above are nothing but what I've thought after reading The Earthsea Trilogy, so they're mostly the echo of the author's books. I really enjoyed them, especially when I thought I understood them, but this place is not named "the mild bay of disinterest" without a good reason, and it is that I am never ever really moved by anything of this kind, at least not for a long time. If we lived as long as we thought, I would live eternally :)

Not much to tell about these days, except my great desire of writing. I really liked this blog, and writing in a normal keybord after a notebook is such a pleasure, specially you're writing many fingers (I dare not say ten, but I'm working on it, I'm maybe up to six, seven or eight, actually, I wonder if it's possible to use seven fingers, or has it always to be a pair number? symetrical? yes, I don't really know what to write.)

Coding is an interesting thing indeed (although I wouldn't call myself a coder, let's just say an intern coder) (and I always wanted to use "Indeed" in my writings) (Indeed I did) (I mean it sounds really great, aand yes indeed it does!) (I tend to get boring like this, in - fact I'll just stop it) even though it is about writing, it involves much more reading, especially when you don't really know what you're doing :) I'm quite positive now that every form of writing requires much more reading, my only counter-example being Nietszche, and he is a counter for many examples :)

The good thing about my internship days is that, there are times when something I wrote actually does what I expect (or does just anything) and I work over it to make it better; I get a real pleasure from it, and for that, I should think of myself as lucky, because there are times when I think of my becoming a computer engineer as pure coincidence and now these days I feel myself more or less at home, if you know what I mean. Also, I am lucky because this last sentence makes a bit of sense, yours is a hard task really :)

Another thing with me being accustomed to the internship is that I learned to tie my tie (to tie my tie when the rain rains :p) Yes, I know that you are pretty sure now that I am tie-obsessed, but this has a really important symbolical meaning :) When I said this to my father, his eyes were full with tears for a moment, or so I thought. And just as I get used to be here, it's about to end. (yeah baby! yeah finally free!)

Yes, actually I have a meaningless expection of freedom, when I look from inside to outside (from work to freedom) I have the most powerful desire to be there, but I also know that when my thirst for spare time is finally satisfied, this time I'll be looking from outside to inside (oh, what a brasilian drama is my life!) And no, I don't plan to do anything about this, not anyting foolish like doing a longer internship, no fucking way! I'm just seeing this as a good thing, (and if I were to say, like in the fantasy books, that "this thing is my blessing and my curse" that would be this, my ability to classify some absurd things as good, in other words me, as an intern polyanna :) because, in the future, I think I'll get more easily used to my job, which will be something like these days (I think I hope so, when it is raining and the street is dark, I feel like I belong there and my craving to be out there is happily absent).

That would be all for now, it hasn't been the best blog ever, but I have other things to do now. Thanks for your time though (oh yes I'm very polite :)

A few days ago, I bought `The Other Wind` written by Ursula K. LeGuin, the sixth book of the Earthsea Trilogy (I know there is a joke there, but it`s so evident that I won`t bother). I have to admit that I am intimidated by LeGuin, that's because I didn't understand her books. Or I thought that I get them, that they're simple stories about a wizard, but it turns out they're not. See, I've read the books, really enjoyed them, nice wizard story I thought, but later, I saw a critic about them, where aunt Ursula said they were mainly about growing up, sexuality, and death. Where the hell were these things? I read an adventure of a wizard, there was some death, some growing up and absolutely no sexuality whatsoever.

Nowadays, as I'm rethinking about the books, I've managed the find the growing and the death parts, I've got them quite well actually, but even though I progressed far and away in this area I still can't find the sexuality, I think the books couldn't even get a pg rating. Also, I think all the stuff that we consume demands a certain knowledge, in fact they demand most of the knowledge of their authors, and that's why they're never really understood and nobody likes french movies. Writing is a bit about that too, turning your personal examples into something that everybody can understand and yet think that they're the only ones experienced enough to get it. When everybody gets what we get, it kinda spoils the fun. But we do keep the sharing privilege for our close friends, because sharing is good and the ability to show off to stangers is better. And as we keep sharing the same things with our friends, we experience more and more the same things, which makes us more alike.

So, really, coming to this point has been nothing but coincidence, but I ask myself, how much do we get our manners and ideas from our friends, after a long time with them, is it really possible to be unlike them? As time flows and we get along and alike, at which point our friendship becomes useless? Useless, in a sense of friendship for improving ourselves; because getting along and having fun improves with the likeness (I came better till here, but writing from work doesn't help the concentration and I keep writing the same thing). How long does it take to drain people, unless they keep on feeding themselves with new stuff and experiences? Is this what we should do to keep ourselves interesting and full? (maybe stopping asking questions would also be a good idea).

At least, I know really well that spare time doesn't help the mood, unless it's between two occupation, and otherwise, it's not really spare time, it's just a long period devoid of any job and responsability (maybe other words for paradise? Well, no, I know better than that, a long period of spare time is actually a challenge for the mind, for a man's intellectual capability of keeping himself busy. It's not necessarily an intellectual challange, but that sounded really good.)


Yes, I got carried away, so, for the lazy reader, here are the results:
1. The Earthsea Trilogy is about growing up, death, and sexuality.
2. Friendship is a copy machine for people.
3. French movies sucks.
4. A long period of spare time is actually a challenge for a man's intellectual capability (yeah, still sounds great).
5. LeGuin's books are a scale of growing up, knowing about life.
6. I get carried away while writing.

the blog is the paradise for the ego, it's the place where we can freely and sans-cesse talk about ourselves, in fact, it is a place where we should talk about ourselves, we have to talk about ourselves (and we must talk, blah blah, by the way sans-cesse means "without stop" in french; in its paradise, my ego took over and started to show itself, I can't understand why it didn't mention the high i.q., but I can easly understand the reason why there is no word about my school life.) And I absolutely love the idea that everyone's favourite subject is "me" (not "me" me, but "them" me (i know you undrestood but it was a funny remark anyway (these day I am doing lots of  programming with parantheses and semi columns and {}s so these complications are nothing but normal, just avoid them (don't compile ) ) ) ), and anybody who reads the blog has already accepted that the writer will talk about him/herself (although you don't expect him to talk like it's the first time anybody talks about a blog in the entire universe, no, but I'm sorry, certain things are still surprising for me), so the reader has no right to complain (but he has every right to complain about the parantheses) (you won't believe it, but I usually don't speak about myself. On a second thought, you will believe it, because I'm still not talking about myself and it's a blog, it is the paradise for the ego).

p.s: i think i'll just bold the normal part, outside of the parantheses.

The work month is the only one when I wear a tie, when I wear the tie actually, and 11 moths is long enough for me to forget its effects, like beggars begging more intently, people not recognising me, girlfriend feeling like more grown-up (i know it's hard to believe, but i actually hate the meaningful italics); and these are always surprising to me because I know they're only the illusion of a working man, and I'm not one, never been and never felt like one actually, which is disturbing when your friends from primary school are graduating from university. The difference this year, is that i started to like the illusion, and even though there is a long way for me to work, and even longer to feel like working, I just started to see the benefits of a standalone life, or more likely, i can no longer avoid them. The relieving part is that, with the internship, i also see that it would be very easy to hate the working life, but I'm quite fine there. So, as there's work tomorrow, 23:43, time to bed it is!
p.s: once upon a time, a tie for me was a twin ion engine. that was just before I lost my x-wing :)

Well, that would be my first post ever... i know that the wise Morpheus said "everybody fails at first try" but i also know that he's a smartass, so, whatever, let's see.